I don't want to leave I don't want to leave I don't want to leave. I don't even want to think about leaving, but at night--especially now, in these early hours before dawn, when I'm wired and restless, though shouldn't be--it's all I can think about. I don't know when that shift happened--when Oxford stopped being just a beautiful place and worked its way into my blood. When the thought of having to leave turns my stomach into knots, makes me distant and moody. Knowing it's going to break my heart. Reminding me of Rebecca's entries from last year, Dublin, asking "do you know what leaving does?"

I want more time. For the friends I made here, and the relationships that were over before they could even properly begin. For the libraries and the parks and walks at dusk and every street I can trace blindfolded, and for everything I still haven't seen. For feeling calm, and level, and content (except for now, these past few weeks, when I am all nerves). I don't know what route is the best to take. Ashley, and bask in denial, maybe. Amy, who will carry on her connections. Alex, who's already looking ahead. A lot can happen in a month, I know. But I want more time. Desperately. I want more chances. I want to be here, in this life. I'm terrified it won't ever be like this again.