"I had almost found my face, I was almost me, but my pride couldn't swallow what it ate, boy I hope you're happy"

Break has been going by obscenely fast; it's rather frightening. I keep telling myself to just relax & enjoy it, after all, I still have three weeks until I head back to Oxford. But then I think well, I've already been home for two, and have done barely anything. Slept an absurd amount. Had my annual Christmas cookie bakathon with the Holland Hill girls. Watched most of the first season of Felicity on DVD and various Christmas specials. Went up to Sarah Lawrence last weekend, which was bittersweet & strangely unsatisfactory. Went over to Cari's. Had lunch with Chelsea. Visited old high school teachers. Got snowed in, for the first time in a long time. I didn't even remember how to drive in the snow, it's been so long. Maybe I've done more than I think I have. What I have not done, however, is work. Went to the library & checked out a pile of books last week, and I just haven't been able to read more than a few pages. My motivation is still shot after last term. The last thing I want to do right now is read. Anything at all. After Christmas, I keep saying. I don't really have a choice.

Roo was talking today about how she'll be spending her senior year in LA, and then moving out there. Holy shit, I thought. It's all going by so fast. I don't feel ready, even if I am. Apartments and jobs and grad school and relocating and all the rest. Where did the years go?

home for christmas.

Home, finally. Got into JFK earlier than expected last night, after traveling for over 15 hours, though it took me another three hours to get to Fairfield, and I pretty much dragged my stuff into my room & crashed. The flight was calm overall, though I had a major panic attack right before we took off, and started crying & hyperventilating. The guy across the aisle from me flagged down a stewardess, who came over, talked me down, got me a pillow from first class, and a free bottle of wine--which was lovely, though I didn't take more than a few sips, fearing that mixing alcohol & Xanax couldn't be good, though, once again, the Xanax did nothing. I absolutely need to figure out some way to not be so terrified. I have another two flights back & forth from Oxford, and then all the traveling Amy & I will be doing over spring break. I can't go through life being this scared.


I keep delaying unpacking. It's always such a pain in the ass. Though I will start that momentarily. And once that is done, perhaps bake cookies & watch something in front of my Christmas tree. Being home is strange. Everything, of course, is so familiar but I feel like I'm seeing it--and myself--with entirely new eyes.