As luck would have it.

Supposedly, in the last 365 days, in Sevilla it has rained for only 5 of them. It just never really rains here--it's so arid. But as luck would have it, it's absolutely pouring today, and the prediction is more of the same for tomorrow. My mother is about to lose it, I think. Spain isn't like England or France--it's a country where everything is designed with pleasant weather in mind. All the sights are outside. We made the best of it today, going shopping & seeing the major cathedral, and I managed to find a cute little black pencil skirt which fit me perfectly--something I hadn't been able to do in the States, no matter how hard I tried. So success.

I was telling my mother earlier I can't believe by the time Oxford really starts up--in about two and a half to three weeks, I wouldn't have done anything academic whatsoever for almost five months. It makes me feel somewhat intellectually moronic. Or just really fucking lazy. I have expressed this neurosis to people many times over the past few weeks, but I really worry about whether or not I'll be up to snuff at Oxford. Or whether I am just going to get torn apart, confidence completely shredded. I have not written anything in five months, besides formulaic reader's reports I could probably do in my sleep now. I kind of feel like maybe I've lost it. Though that's ridiculous, I know. But I worry. A lot. And no matter what anyone has said to reassure me, I still feel like it could maybe be an uphill struggle. I really hope it's not.

Every single night since we arrived in Spain I've had really fucking weird dreams. Everything from Darrell Ayer, who I probably haven't seen since I was 16, showing up at my twenty first birthday party and eating guacamole out of a bowl with someone's severed finger--I blame St. Theresa and her own rotting digit for that one--to an anxiety riddled one where I'm at some dinner party with a few Fairfield friends, and Kira casually mentions she's going to visit Alan in Delaware, and I realize I'm still so hurt by everything (not that I didn't realize that, but I love me some denial) to reliving old romantic liaisons with Z, to one where I'm hooking up with Nick and on waking up just feel sad.

It's only been a little over a week & already I feel like I haven't talked to people in such a long time. I guess that's what happens when you're used to always being keyed in to the world and then suddenly get dropped in a place without easy internet access & where phone calls have to be short and sweet. Though keep those texts coming. I mean it. It reminds me that people out there are missing me too.

More later--I'll write about this insane old Spanish mansion we're staying in--250 rooms, a couple dozen courtyards. Absolutely beautiful. I'll have to get around to posting pictures sooner or later.

I also cannot get that line from My Fair Lady out of my head for some absurd reason: "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." Lies.

Until later, my darlings.